The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.