Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Breaking news:

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

We found love in a hopeless place.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

This meal prepping shit easy

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.