Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I am having an out of money experience.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Thursday

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.