The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
reminder
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.