ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
Who says you can’t make someone love you?
I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?
Works for my computer.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever