@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

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@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@JediGigi

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@thatUPSdude

I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.

~Dogs

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@AndrewsNotFunny

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@TheCatWhisprer

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.