The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

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[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.


Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.



Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.


Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people


The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.