@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

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@TheToddWilliams

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@Carbosly

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.

@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@funnybrad

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever