The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Meowchelangelo
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry