The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
How do you like your Corgi?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”