The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
synchronized noseblowing
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]