The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My inexpensive home security system…
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”