Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

No, YOUR illiterate.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do