INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.
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Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.
Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day