The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
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Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Bros before Ohioes
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.