The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
<—- homeless romantic
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.