The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?