Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.