Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters