The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.