The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
You Might Also Like
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐