@AristotlesNZ

The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.

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@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

@UnFitz

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

@joshwillhall

My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!

@jonnysun

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

@3sunzzz

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

@Home_Halfway

*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*