The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.

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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.


If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.


trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom


You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.


{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*