[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.
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Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope
And the cops always come sooner then you expect
Five Secrets of Successful People:
My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.
Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!
if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
i love twitter
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*