“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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#SCOTUS one-star review
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Perfect
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl