@AristotlesNZ

The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.

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@JustMeTurtle

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@Carbosly

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@suecorvette

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*