The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
How dude HOW?!
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”