The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The dark side of Canada
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.