The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.