Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Omg 🤣

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.