Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

He took my last fry, your honor

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars