Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.