The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
How to properly lift a body
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
that would 100% work on me
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
much to think about
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am