The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
What a chick magnet..
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.