The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
You Might Also Like
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
weddings should have a worst man
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay