The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”