The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
You Might Also Like
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The collective noun for a group of gorillas should be a ‘kongregation’.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands