The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Can’t. Being lazy.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
#parenting
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
