The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
doing your own taxes
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
