Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”