Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

can you read it!!??

maan!

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Become ungovernable.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.