The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?