The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
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You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage