The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.