The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot