The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Breaking news:
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy