Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

*pronounces patio like ratio

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.