The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You Might Also Like
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up