the official breakfast of 2021
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.