Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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oh good, now I can stop drinking
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee