@_youhadonejob1

The OG bandit strikes again.

You Might Also Like

@Lisabug74

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

@robin_991

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

@robdelaney

Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”

@Marlebean

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

@Tbone7219

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

@sofarrsogud

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@Skoog

leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again

me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?