The OG bandit strikes again.

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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?


My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.


Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”


Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh


According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.


My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!


[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*


Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”


It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.


leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again

me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?