@_youhadonejob1

The OG bandit strikes again.

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@Vodkantots

As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@ozzyunc

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@MaladjustedMind

Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom

@tastefactory

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?