As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.
You Might Also Like
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?