The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.