The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.