The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
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People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
#polloftheday
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Good morning
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
when there are deer in the woods
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?