The old gods are rising again.
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
