The old gods are rising again.
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.