The old gods are rising again.
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I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.