“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?