Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer