The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.