Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

*praying for world peace*
God:

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.