The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
