When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am