Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman