The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Day 2 of my diet
