The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
You Might Also Like
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming