The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
You Might Also Like
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers