Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny