Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.