The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I mean…but I did
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie