The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
You Might Also Like
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything