The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
sounds kinky. i’m in.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.