The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.