Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”