Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.