The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way