The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
i want the dreams to chase me for once
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.