Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.