The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok