Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

They grow up so quick

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.